Vous vous souvenez de mes incorrect quotes fanfic Akatsuki ? J'en ai fait avec ma propre fanfic de quand j'avais 11 ans. En 2013 ce truc. C'était une fanfic Pokémon Mystery Dungeon btw. Pas de lien parce que je l'ai mise hors-ligne mais profitez de ces extraits. Il y a des blingees qui viennent avec btw je peux les montrer. Ils sont d'époque.

Btw il y a 3 saisons et j'ai fait que la 1ere. Je vais faire la 2 et la 3... une prochaine fois. ;)



Chandara:karkat ça va?

Karkat:NON! Tout le monde me rejette... (faisant, évidemment, référence à ses échecs en amour)

Chandara:Moi aussi...

Karkat:Juste parce que ont est différentes...

et c'est ainsi que Chandara et Karkat sont devenue amie...

---

Penny:Ahhh.. Enfin debout!
                       
                   30 minutes plus tard,dans la frontière du clan des riches...

Penny:Enfin Mammon c'est pas trop tôt.

Mammon:excuse moi...

Après avoir traversés la frontière..

Penny:eh, Lucifer je te défie en combat!

---

En faite, je viens de remarquer que j'étais dans quelque chose qui ressanblait a un dortoir.

Belphie:Euh, désolé de vous déranger, mais j'aimerais, moi et mes freres, rejoindre l'école...

---

Mammon:Waaaah! Qui est la!

????????:Ah, enfin cette jeune femme est revenu....

Penny:C'est toi lucifer, je le savait!

Lucifer:A bon, Lucifair? J'ai évolué, moi! *Utilise ultimapoing*

Penny:*esquive en sautant vers la gauche et utilise vive attaque en visant le ventre de Wicufer*

---

Carmela:Eh, les garçon, on va se promener a la plage Cristalline?

Caleb:Et bien d'accord.

Darren:Je viens avec vous!


Rendu a la plage Cristalline....

Carmela:Tiens? Il a quelqu'un la bas... Salut, qui est tu et que fais tu ici?

?????:Je m'appelle Melanthios et je suis ici pour échapper aux insultes si vous êtes la pour ça partez.

Caleb:D'accord. Tu veux être notre amie?

Mentos:Si vous me prommetter que se n'est pas une blague.

Les trois autres:Promis juré!

---

Louis:*arrive* Lucas s'est réveillée.

Louis et Feli:*va dans la chambre ou est Nocty*

Lucas:J'ai fais des cauchemar sur mon passé pourri.... * a une larme sur le bord de l'oeil*

Louis:Sèche tes larmes, tu n'est plus dans le passé, tu est dans le présent.

---

Yumeko:C'est bien ici?

Kaito:Oui!

Nathaniel:Non, c'est par là!

Kaito:Je t'ai dis que c'est ici!

Nathaniel:Non c'est non!

Kaito:Oui c'est oui!

---

Penny : Ensuite, on marche dans cette forêt plus ou moins lugubre.... ET BOUM DANS MA FACE!!!( C'ÉTAIT OBLIGÉ!!)

Lucifer:Encore vous?

Mammon:Je vous dit une chose et peut être ma dernière parole:COUREZ!!!

Les autres:*courent de leurs plus rapide possible*

---

Kanaya:*crie*QU'EST CE QUE VOUS FAISIEZ ÇA FAIS UNE HEURE QUE VOUS DEVIEZ ÊTRE LÀ!

Kenny:Désolé, j'ai devenu... un loup...

Kanaya:Venez manger! ^u^

---

Penny:********* *fais des bruits comme si elle massacrait la personne (inutile) devant elle*

Lucifer:*se tape la tête avec sa patte*Pas encore vous?

Mammon:*soupir*Oui, encore nous.

---

Oliver:Alfred, prépare toi au combat!

Alfred:Comment tu sais mon nom?

Oliver:Ton Q.I=0.

Alfred:Ah c'est ça, c'est toi Oliver?

---

???????:Enfin, je t'ai retrouvé Alfred!

Alfred:Oh non, pas Vilain le Terrible.

Karkat:C'est qui?

Alfred:Un méchant monsieur qui a transformé en statue ma mère.

John:Bien dit, je suis méchant, j'ai transformé ta mère en statue.

---

Le lendemain matin, à 6:00 pile.....

Karkat:*respire fort et hurle comme une malade mental* RÉVEILLÉS VOUS BANDE DE DORMEURS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Je crois que j'ai criée un peu trop fort...... Ils sont tous K.O.

---

Lavinia:Ha ha, grosse bébé!

Clem:Je crois que je vais....

Carmin:Tomber, c'est ça?

Clem:Oua! Un gros truc vert qui me prends les pieds!

Aaron:Dégager le passage, c'est encore à moi de tout régler.....

---

Rendu à cette plaine, avec personne quoi rien du tout....


Penny:Enfin..... C'était long...

Lucifer:Te voila...... Sois prête à ta fin, à toi et tes ''amis''!

Mammon:Je ne te laisserais pas toucher à Penny!

Satan:Ont est prêt à te combattre, Lucifer!

Belphie:C'est vrai! Battons nous!

Aaron: Bitches be drinking coffee at 10 PM and wonder why they can't sleep
Clémentine: You're bitches
Aaron, simultaneously : I am bitches

------------

Alfred, after a breakup: Food will never break my heart

------------

Karkat: Would you please turn the lights on?
Dave: I don’t have to, you’re the only light I need in my life.
Karkat: Dave, I can’t see a fucking thing.

------------

Raiponce, staring at the window: The moon looks pretty tonight.
Eugene: It sure does.

Varian, turning to Cassandra: Should we tell them that it's just a tortilla you threw at the window?
Cassandra: Nah, they'll figure it out themselves.

------------

Damen: Man, I wish there were sweaters for feet.
Laurent: Socks. They're called socks, Damianos, they exist.

------------

Clémentine: What are you, five?
Oliver: Yeah, five heads taller than you.
Clémentine:
Oliver:
Oliver: It was a joke, please don't kill me.

------------

Carmin: Name a way to be nice to others.
Aaron: Don’t kill them.
Carmin: Setting the bar a bit low, but I’ll allow it.

------------

Nathaniel: What’s your zodiac sign
Kaito: I’m Japanese.

------------

Clémentine: You better shut the fuck up before I look at you one day and feel warm and realise I have fallen in love with you. I’m serious quit it.

------------

Jake : whats the hardest things to say?
Seiya : i was wrong
Lukas : i need help
Sofia: whore esther sire. wore roach. no wait i got this. Worcestershire Sauce.

------------

Peter: What can I say, I’m charming and irresponsible
Peter:....irresistible

------------

Clémentine: You actually care about me.
Lavinia: Of course I do you dumbass bitch

------------

Melanthios: Coming out of my cage and
Melanthios: Going right back in

------------


Link: You know what’s better than weed? Water
Gamzee: here’s this dumb bitch again
Link: Shut up you dehydrated high motherfucker

------------

Keyne: I feel you, I say as I start feeling you. You are soft, like a kitty

------------

Kenneth, thinking: don’t be awkward around her
Meulin : nice weather
Kenneth : thanks

------------

[groupchat]
Darren: do you know why dark is spelt with a k and not a c?
Caleb: why
Darren: because you can’t c in the dark
Carmela: ...
[Darren has been removed from the groupchat]

------------

Damianos: i’m bisexual and stupid. that’s all i am. god looked at my shitty tiny frame and said, “you’re going to be a little bisexual moron” then released me into the world.

------------

Evalyn: In 2020 we start oppressing people who put water instead of milk in the kid’s hot chocolate. If they are lactose intolerant they can stay but they’re on thin fucking ice
Arthur: I eat the powder straight from the packet
Kenneth: Hey do you know how horrible what you just said was

------------

Dimitri: You know, small creatures are just more vicious because their anger has less space to be bottled up in.
Ludwig: That's ridiculous. Give me one example.
Dimitri: Terriers.
Celestin: Wasps.
Saida: Max.

------------

Clémentine: Dude, here, I got you some BROses.
Kaito: Bro, you read my mind. I got you some daffoDUDES.
Clémentine, crying joyfully: Bro.
(ça marche aussi avec Tam et Clara)

------------

Someone: I mean, if you tried and failed, I’d understand, but you didn’t even try at all
Shikamaru: So I didn’t even fail, and I don’t see you giving me enough credit for that.

------------

Solomon: You’re telling me, a chicken fried this rice???

------------

Okuyasu: Since it’s the 20s, who wants to make alcohol illegal and then sell it in the black market with me
Josuke: My granpa did this
Okuyasu: And you’re fucking snitching on him???

------------

Carmela: Do you have any books on Turtles?
Librarian: Hardback?
Carmela: yeah! With little heads

-------------

Lance to Dimitri, upon entering his wagon in the train: ... And what do we say to our new wagonmates?
Dimitri, glaring at Mammon: Don't speak to me. Ever.
Lance, under his breath: No, we talked about this
Dimitri:I'm So Happy To Have This Opportunity To Get To Know You All
Lance: Better!

Ne m'en veuillez pas, je fais en français vu mon niveau en anglais. :,)


Seiya : Mon père veut me marier à la fin des études, faut que je trouve une petite amie.
Jake : Il te faudrait quel genre de fille ?
Seiya : Quelqu'un avec du caractère, que je puisse me disputer avec elle de temps en temps alors que je l'aimerais. Je risque de m'ennuyer avec une fille trop calme.
Sofia : Il y a Saïda.
Seiya : J'ai parlé d'une petite copine, pas d'un animal de compagnie.


-------

Seiya : Tu sais comment tes parents t'ont conçue ?
Saïda : Je sais comment on fait les bébés, merci...
Seiya : 120 grammes de farine, 20 grammes de sucre...
Saïda : Mais c'est une recette ça.
Seiya : ..huit plaquettes de beurre, douze bouteilles d'huile d'olive, une trentaine de boîtes de thon...
Saïda : MAIS VA TE FAIRE F***** !!
Seiya : ...et trois kilos de sel. Oui, beaucoup de sel pour ton impolitesse.

-------

Lukas : Apprends parfois à tenir ta langue.
Seiya : Mais ce n'est pas de ma faute si on m'a appris à être franc !
Lukas ; Oui mais ça peut blesser les autres parfois.
Seiya : Donc je devrais apprendre à mentir ?
Lukas : Si ça peut éviter qu'on te tue dans le dortoir à minuit pile avec un coussin rempli de coton trempé, oui.
Sofia : *S'est fait une nouvelle teinture.*
Seiya : Wouah, j'adore ta nouvelle coiffure !
Sofia : Mer....
Seiya : Lukas-nii-san ! C'est comme ça qu'il faut mentir ? C'est comme ça ?
Sofia : *Prépare le coussin rempli de coton trempé.*
Lukas : ....

------

Seiya : Jake ! On me demande tout le temps de ne jamais être trop franc, alors du coup, j'utilise une nouvelle méthode !
Jake : Laquelle ?
Seiya : La méthode "English" qui consiste à parler comme toi.
Sofia : Vous en pensez quoi de ma teinture ? Toi Seiya, tu te t....
Seiya : Ta coiffure représente la créativité soudaine d'un être artistique pendant l'éclosion de la rosée matinale présente lors du premier réveil du monde.
Sofia : ....Tu trouves ça moche, c'est ça ?
Seiya : Oui.


( Pour l'instant je ne poste que ça. B))

Clementine : so what do you guys have planned for Valentine Day ?
Aaron : murder
Clémentine : that's the spirit

------

Terezi : Kirby is the solution
Shikamaru : but what is the problem ???
Terezi : there are none cause Kirby solved them :J

------

Karkat : [calling a sex hotline] HOME ALONE SHOULDN'T HAD A SEQUEL. IT SHOULD'VE BEEN A ONE TIME THING. NO I DONT WANT TO TALK DIRTY LISTEN TO ME. HOME ALONE 2 WAS TERRIBLE.

------

Lovino, sobbing : maybe If I fall in love with my anxiety it will leave me too

------

Mads : coke of cola is a health potion. pepsi is a mana potion.
Berwald : what's graped soda ?
Mads : it's fucking purple baby !!!!!!!!!!!!

------

Kanaya : Gentle reminder not to eat too much candy before bed.
Terezi : no
Kanaya : This was a gentle reminder, yet your words of defiance brings me ungodly amounts of rage.

------

Kaito : I'm not gay but lightin mcqueen is kinda cute
Nathaniel : can some of you just shut up

------

Diavolo : if i were a drink i'd be cherry vanilla coke, if you were a drink what would you be
Lucifer : bleach
Diavolo : please calm down edgelord

------

Alfred : I haven't spoken to that person in over ten years. what they did was unforgivable.
Luciano : You don't even remember, do you ?
Alfred : They know what they did.

------

Francis : "Not to be petty" I say, as I continue to be petty

------

Meulin : im a witch i mixed some herbs and crystals together and now my cat knows the f word

------

Shikamaru : I enjoy video games because they let me live out my wildest fantasies, like being given a task and then completing that task.

------

Carmela : Darren, stop planting your flowers in others people's gardens if you know they aren't going to water them.
Darren : ... is this metaphorical or are we talking about the flowers outside because i-

------

Arthur : Francis put salt in my coffee because I annoyed him, but I'm going to continue to drink it because i'm petty and won't let him win.

------

Melanthios : just lie down on the sidewalk with your tongue against the concrete till the whole world dissolves like an uncoated pill
Caleb : I wanna know if op was okay when writing this
Melanthios : one day youll be face to face with whatever saw fit to let you exist in the universe and you'll have to justify the space you've filled
Caleb : what

------

Karkat : my neutral expression makes me look like i'm always in a bad mood which is convenient because it's usually true

------

Clementine : men are bus schedule
Lavinia : how
Clementine : always lying

------

Kanaya : the more you grow up, the more you understand the weird things your grandma says, like "some people had never clean a bathroom before and it shows" and honestly, tea.

------

Damianos : If I die, my funeral's gonna be the biggest fucking party and you're all invited.
Laurent : If ?
Aaron : Great, the only party I've ever been invited to and he might no even die.

------

Simeon : octopi could hug 4 people people simultaneously, because god blessed them with ability however, they don't even hug one person, because they have made covenant with the devil.
any questions ?
Carmin : where is our regular pastor ?
Simeon : in a better place now. sit down immediately.

------

Idun : anyone else feel good when their brain releases a bunch of endorphins ?
Melanthios : c-cant relate
Goultard : why would my brain release a bunch of dolphins

------

Vincent : i let my cat drink the bathtub water while I was in it
Priest : once again, kind of weird, but not a sin.

------

Asmodeus : [puts honey in his tea] hell yeah get in that leaf juice you sexy sexy bee sauce
Carmin : do you take constructive criticism
Asmodeus : I absolutely fucking do not

------

Dave : hey mom what's pen4 + pen5 + pen6
Kanaya : fifteen pen
Dave : no say it like i did
Kanaya : pen4 + pen5 + pen6 ??
Dave : just say pen15 for fucks sake
Kanaya : ahah
Kanaya : i have tricked you into describing the male genitalia

------

Edelgard : This is a uwu free zone. Everyone who responds to this post with an owo or uwu is under arrest for crimes against humanity.
Meulin : cwimes agwainst huwumanity
Edelgard : im going to break your fingers
Meulin : this mowortal vessel is owonly of the howwors within

John: Did Terezi just tell me she loved me for the first time?
Karkat: Yeah.
John: And did I do finger guns back?
Karkat: Yeah, you did.

---

Aaron: You read my diary?!
Carmin: At first, I didn’t know it was your diary. I thought it was a very sad handwritten book.

---

Lovino: *accidentally hits someone in the face*
Lovino: *trying to decide between saying “I’m fucking sorry” and “are you okay?”
Lovino: ARE YOU FUCKING SORRY?!

---

Peter: Surgery is just stabbing someone to life.
Clémentine: Please never become a surgeon.

---

Goultard after a fight: I wasn’t hurt that bad.
Goultard: Idun said all the bleeding was internal.
Goultard: That's where the blood's supposed to be!

---

Peter: *kicks “G” off Graveyard sign*
Peter: Let’s get this party started

---

Feliciano: I relate to Belle because she loves books and likes people for who they are!
Francis: I relate to Tinkerbell because she needs attention or she dies.

---

Terezi: *signs a legal document with a glitter gel pen*

---

Karkat: Why do I have to be the bad guy?!
Luciano: I don’t know, why am I the pretty one? We all have our thing.

---
Lovino: Cléonos, do you think I’ve been a dick to everybody?
Cléonos:
Lovino: I need you to answer me buddy, please. Please tell me I’m a good person. Please, deep down, just tell me I’m a good person.
Cléonos: *slowly turns their head to face Lovino*
Cléonos: Bitch.
Cléonos: You have been so fuckin rude. To everyone. All the time.

---

Kanaya: Your shoelace is untied.
Terezi: I’m aware. It’s a choice.

---

Alfred: I feel like Iron Man.
Luciano: Explain.
Alfred: Sad.

---

Shikamaru: It’s Saturday, the day of rest.
Naruto: Sunday is the day of rest.
Shikamaru: No, Saturday is the day of pre-rest.
Naruto: Pre-rest?
Shikamaru: Yeah, so that way when you actually get to Sunday you’re rested enough to enjoy your rest.

---

Arthur: *squishing Francis’s face between two pieces of bread idiot sandwich style* What are you?!
Francis: A snack.
Arthur: No!

---

Lovino: I have an army.
Karkat: I have tHE POWER OF FRIENDSHIP, BITCH!

---

Baset, being reprimanded by Cléonos: What do you want from me? I’ve never broken any of your stupid laws.
Baset: …In front of you.

---

Carmin: God bless you.
Clémentine: Not lately.

---

Diavolo: Hey, Mammon is here.
Lucifer: OK, I’ll call the exterminator.

---

Darren, walking in bloodied and bruised: …Hey, guys.
Théodore: Oh my God! What happened to you!?
Darren, as Goultard walks in: Goultard misunderstood the meaning of Boxing Day.
Goultard, in tears: I am so sorry. I thought it was tradition!

---

Kokichi: Kaito went to the bathroom and left his phone unlocked and I created a groupchat called “clown porn” and added all his contacts to it.
Baset: Oh my god. What did he do?
Kokichi: Scream for like twenty minutes.
Baset: Worth it?
Kokichi: Yeah.

---

Karkat, to the students: We are here to learn how to treat each other with respect and dignity.
Karkat: SO SHUT UP AND LISTEN!

---
Eugene: Léo, where’s Varian?
Léo: He is in a better place.
Eugene: Oh no…
Varian, coming out from behind Léo and Cléo in a new robotic suit: OH YES.

Henry : google please stop showing me sex ads.
Henry : i know there are desperate sluts in my area, i have a mirror

------

Kokichi : doctor i am depressed.
Idun : go see pagliacci the famous clown. he sucks shit and he knows it, he’s so fucking bad at everything it makes me roar with laughter. he weeps on stage because he’s nothing.
Kokichi : doctor-
Idun : i know who you are

------

Carmin : do you wanna like start a cult
Carmin : sorry if i’m being too foward
Amber : uh

------

[At a party]
Scott : *over the music* DO YOU HAVE A RECYCLING BEAN ?

------

Maria : what are you guys gonna be for halloween
Luciano : sexy
Alfred : minecraft
Dave : also minecraft
John : minecraft as well

------

Aaron : accidentally went and got myself kill yesterday but god wont let me die so i’m back

------

Gon : one day i’ll be strong and punch the sun
Alfred : uhh yeah… pretty sure that’s not possible so uh….
Gon : i will punch it
Alfred : look buddy. if you try to punch to sun ur hand is just gonna get burned up… not really sure what you’re expecting here
Gon : im gonna punch it really hard

------

Melanthios : remember kids : rats are the caprisun of the vampire world
Kanaya :
Kanaya : what does this mean

------

Asmodeus : (puts honey in his tea) hell yeah get in that leaf juice you sexy sexy bee sauce
Mammon :
Mammon : do you take constructive criticism ?
Asmodeus : i absolutely do not

------

Kokichi : my family has been wizards for one hundred billion years
Cleonos : pretty sure the universe isn’t that old
Kokichi : i didn’t mention the universe, go make your own post

------

Simeon : anyone else feel good when their brain releases a bunch of endorphins ?
Henry : why would my brain releases a bunch of dolphins ??

------

Clem : sub or dub ?
Lavinia : it’s sub or dom
Clem : what
Lavinia : what

------

Caleb : you’re turning into a vampire
Melanthios : i AM a vampire

------

Vaneloppe : uh excuse me i can cook ?
Alfred : offering people gum is not cooking

------

Cléonos : *singing* i’ll set you on fire
Baset : i would like to see you try
Cléonos : ... it’s a song

------

Henry : i think the world of you and i appreciate you being in my life, you’re smart and talented and beautiful. I love you
Keith : *finger guns* cool beans

------

Kaito : life hack, if someone is trying to drown you, just drink the water

------

Lucifer : i heard about the surprise party my brothers planned for me. should i pretend not to know ?
Simeon : think about your brothers feeling
Diavolo : surprise them back, don’t show up

------

Meulin : the most difficult thing about growing older is coming to terms with all the time you’ve wasted not writing self-insert garfield fanfictions where your self-insert character kills jon arbuckle and gives garfield a new loving home

[Robber pulls a gun and says “gimme all your money!”]

Asmodeus: Noooo don’t shoot me haha you’re so sexy
Isaac, already crying: [throws their silver money clip and sprints off]
Dave: pwease mr obama,,
Scott, pulling out their own gun: On The Contrary,

----

Cléonos: Where are you going?
Kokichi: to either get ice cream
Kokichi: or commit a felony.
Cléonos:
Kokichi: I’ll decide in the car

----

Terezi: Welcome to my very first vlog, in which I try different hair products!
Terezi: [sprays hairspray in their mouth]
Terezi: Well, right off the bat I can tell you this one is not very good.

----

Antonio, running with Kanaya, Clémentine and Amaya in tow: let’s go lesbians let’s go LETS GO LESBIANS LETS GO here we go lesbians.. here we go lesbians C'mon! LET’S GO LESBIANS!! oh my god lesbians…. oh my god lesbians- move outta my way ROUNDING THE CORNER WITH A BUNCH OF LESBIANS HERE WE ARE CAN YOU HANDLE IT?!

----

Kaito: I’ve conquered my fear of ghosts.
Nathaniel: Thats the spirit!
Kaito: oh fuck where-

----

Shota: What’s that smell?
Melanthios: Fresh air!
Shota: …I don’t like it.

----

Nagito: This is the meanest, rottenest trick I’ve ever heard of
Nagito: I’m proud to be a part of it !

----

Simeon: Do you mind if I slyly mention that you’re single?
Henry: Do not do that.
Simeon: You won’t even notice!
Keith, entering: Simeon, you wanted to see me again?
Simeon: Henry is single
Henry:

----

Lavinia : Maybe the true treasure was friendship all along. But I hope not, because I can’t spend friendship on new clothes

----

Juzo: If you have ten cookies, and someone takes away half, what do they have?
Cherryl: A broken hand

----

Carmin: I’m sorry to tell you this but you have a heart, and capacity to feel.
Aaron: You take that back.

----

Nagito: Ah Ha! I’ve been looking for you everywhere!
Nathaniel: What a coincidence. I’ve been avoiding you everywhere.

----

Darren, clutching their chest: Quick, Luciano…call me an ambulance
Luciano: you’re an ambulance!
Darren, a single tear falling from their eye: I’m so proud of you…
Darren: [dies]

----

[skipping stones on a pond]
Arrietty: it’s such a beautiful evening
Sofia: *whispering* take that you fucking lake

----

Kidnapper: We have your child
Jelila: I don’t have a child?
Kidnapper: Then who just asked for warm sugar milk and made us cut the crusts off their sandwich?
Jelila: Oh god, you have Kokichi.

----

Vane: Do you like pears?
Saïda: Never took to pears. Always struck me as the weak-willed apple. You bite an apple, it fights back. Pears just go ‘oh cool’.

----

Varian: Stop setting things on fire because you’re curious about what will happen. What will happen is fire.
Cléonos: But what if, something else happen. Just this one time.

----

Kanaya: has anyone seen my son??
Kanaya: oh god,,, KENNETH!!
Kanaya: that mother’s adrenaline is kicking in—KENNETH!!
Kanaya: I can see every equation
Kanaya: excuse me ma’am, have you seen my son, he’s about this tall, clearly gay but we haven’t had the talk yet
Kanaya: (kicks over a trash can) KENNETH ARE YOU IN THERE

----

Simeon: Sure you may be verified on Twitter, but are you verified in the eyes of god?

----

Kaito : I'm not superstitious
Kaito : But I AM a little stitious.

----

John: Wait, silverfish are real? They’re not just a Minecraft thing???
John: Thank god that skeletons don’t exist IRL. That’d be fucked up if true.
Jade: Hey, John?
John: Hey! What’s up?

----

Sofia: Frankly, it’s been a little bit difficult to trust you since you had that little episode last summer.
Baset: And what episode was that?
Sofia: The one where you faked your own death to have edible arrangements sent to your home.

----

Raiponce: Alright, I got a box, we’re gonna put everything we hate in the box.
Nathaniel: Can I put Nagito in the box?
Raiponce: No.
Sofia: Can I put Nagito in the box?
Raiponce: No.
Arthur: Can I-
Raiponce: No ones putting Nagito in the box!

----

[On the teacups ride at Disneyland]
Darren, Melanthios, and Shota: [spinning calmly, enjoying the ride in peace]
Goultard, Amaya and Grenfell: [fly past, spinning as fast as they can, screaming]

----

Cléonos: I’m proud to identify as bastardsexual. I’m attracted to bastards and bastards exclusivley. Baset insulted Henry's mom fourty times in a row and now I dream of kissing him under the moonlight.
Kokichi: I'm going to put insects in Varian's bed can you guard the door?
Cléonos, already taking his clothes off: God you’re such an asshole

Francis : -Choking-
Gilbert : I’m trying to call 911, but the 9 button isn’t working !
Antonio: Just flip your phone upside down and us the 6.
Francis, stopping his choking for a second: what the fu-
________________________________________
Keith : Hey, do you think I could fit fifteen marshmallows in my mouth ?
Arthur : You’re a hazard to society.
Kenneth : And a coward. Do twenty.
________________________________________
Nazrim : I lost, like, 27 pounds.
Lewin : Oh my god. What is your secret
Nazrim : I had my arm ripped off.
________________________________________
Lavinia : You’re violent.
Clem : Yeah, but I’m short so it’s adorable.
________________________________________
Luciano : Knowledge is knowing that tomato is a fruit.
Dave : Wisdom is knowing not to put it in a fruit salad.
Alfred : Philosophy is wondering whether that makes ketchup a smoothie.
Karkat : Common sense is knowing that ketchup isn’t a fucking smoothie.
________________________________________
Aizawa : I hope you two have an explanation for this.
Baset : Actually, we have three.
Kokichi : Pick you favorite.
________________________________________
John : Sofia, calm down, violence is not an answer !
Sofia : ur right. It’s not.
John : ufffff
Sofia : Violence is a question
Sofia : and the answer is yes
________________________________________
Nathaniel : I have feelings for you.
Nagito : You do ?
Nathaniel : Yes. I feel you’re a little annoying ?
________________________________________
Rapunzel : Why can’t dinosaurs clap ?
Varian : because their hands are too sh-
Cassandra : Because they’re all dead.
________________________________________
Henry : -unbuttoning shirt- It’s so hot in here…
Simeon : Yeah, but why are you unbuttoning my shirt ?
________________________________________
Therapist : Alright. This one will be easy. Just tell me about your happiest childhood memory.
Dimitri : my what now ?
________________________________________
Célestin : We need a distraction
Célestin : Are any of you good at jumping un and down and making annoying noises ?
Peter : -Shoves way to front of the group-
Peter : My time has come.
________________________________________
Naruto : Waffles are just pancakes with abs.
Shika : Sometimes I wonder if your mind works.

Carmin : I went trough an entire character arc trough quarantine
Carmin : If you're curious I became more evil
________________________________________
Arthur : don't tell my husband i made bacon in the toaster
Francis : what the hell happened
Firemen : he made bacon in the toast
________________________________________
Jake : when I die I want to be buried in a place that floods a lot so my corpse can still go on aventures
________________________________________
Lovino : I just slept for 15 hours what did I miss ??
Antonio : this dick
Lovino : thank god i thought i missed something big
________________________________________
Damianos : I talk a lot huh
Laurent : Yes but it's nice I like hearing your thoughts
________________________________________
Nagito : Grapes are easy to aquire and easy to eat
Hajime : If you say anything else on this topic I'm going to murder you
________________________________________
Keyne : are you nervous ?
Dimitri : yes
Keyne : is this your first time ?
Dimitri : no it isn't. I have been nervous before.
________________________________________
Kenneth : welcome to my painting podcast
[wet slapping noises for 75 minutes]
Kenneth : it's a mountain
________________________________________
Arthur : you can be controversial and insightful without being vulgar. like. i can say right now that a single slice of toast with butter on it is a sandwich
Francis : i'll kill you for that
________________________________________
Karkat : you listen to me and you listen good. i'm sick and fucking tired of you trying to get in between me and what's rightfully mine. if you so much as fucking look in my direction again i'll gouge your eyes out and force feed them to you. do you understand me ?
Luciano : me when the cashier at whole foods tell me to stop sampling the grapes
________________________________________
Vibs, 5 yo : Why does Mom wear make up ?
Magnus : to look pretty
Vibs, 5 yo : but she's already pretty
Magnus : aww
Vibs, 5 yo : Dad you should wear makeup !
________________________________________
Kokichi : who thinks they could fight me and win ?!
Baset : everyone
Kokichi : they'd be right i'm sensitive !!
________________________________________
Henry : people are always like "teleporters just vaporize you and create a clone of you at the destination" as if that's some big horrifying problem and yet that's how an elevator works and everyone is just fine with that
Keith : ... henry that is not at all how it works
________________________________________
Hajime : sometimes i'm like "I should buy some orange juice! i love it i don't know I never have it in the house"
Hajime : and then i get some
Hajime : and i remember it's cause some kind of dormant Scurvy Prevention Instinct activates within me like sleeper agent trying to seek and destroy, except it's just me standing in the front of the open frige at two in the morning chugging juice out of the carton like a crazed citrus gremlin
________________________________________
Idun : if you don't respond to my emails when i'm alive don't expect me to reply to your ouija board questions when I'm dead
________________________________________
Nathaniel : reblog if you've never used the braincell
Kaito : the what
Nathaniel : yeah
________________________________________
Scott : do you think you'd actually notice if someone didn't cast a shadow ?
Scott : or if their limbs were slightly too long ?
Scott : or if they had too many teeths ?
Scott : how many times have you passed something in the street and you just didn't notice it
Henry : stay woke monsterfuckers your love is out here !!!
Scott : you know what ? not my point at all but i'm glad i could be an inspiration
________________________________________
Lilwenn : a boy in my class said he likes me
Nagito : do you like him back ?
Lilwenn : he colors outside the lines he needs to grow up
________________________________________
Clementine : how did you break your wrist ? wrong answers only
Lavinia : smacking the west virginia mothman statue's juicy metal ass so hard it shattered
Clementine : i said wrong answers only this isn't confession
________________________________________
Vincent : can you describe the guy who stabbed you ?
Celestin : yeah he wasn't really friendly
________________________________________
Kenneth : If 666 is evil, then 25.806975801127 is the root of all evil
Henry :
Henry : do you have a fucking calculator in your shower ??
________________________________________
Idun : you scored a 25/27 on your mental health questionnaire
Nagito : so i am good at mental health right ?
*crisis counselor enters room*
Nagito : ah, beans.
________________________________________
Lucifer : where have you been
Belphegor : asleep
Lucifer : for two days ??
Belphegor :
Belphegor : ya
________________________________________
Porrim : after two years of pretending to be cool and chill and down, i'm ready to embrace my identity as the highest maintenance bitch you ever saw in your fucking life
________________________________________
Cléonos : "I don't care" I say, caringly, as I care deeply
________________________________________
Aaron : it's MY funeral I get to choose who gets buried!
________________________________________
Keith, at 3 am : sometimes some people needs to SHUT THE FUCK UP and then SLEEP.
Keith at 3 am : sometimes it's me.
________________________________________
Goultard : YO LOOK UP DRACULA ON GOOGLE IMAGE.
Melanthios : what am i supposed to be seeing
Goultard: DRACULA !!
Melanthios :
Melanthios : oh fuck
________________________________________
Diavolo : it has been brought up to my attention that I am NOT universally adored and I wish those of you who dissent from the adoration would just hear me out, see things in my way, then give me unconditionnal love to fill the bottomless well of insecurity inside my heart. I don't ask for much !
________________________________________
Clementine : OF COURSE I have a lot of pent-up rage you fool i've been the same height since I was 12
________________________________________
Simeon : Could a thot do this ??? *enters the kingdom of heaven*
________________________________________
Aaron : you know what I've always wondered ?? how do tall people like you actually sleep at night when the blanket can't possibly cover you from your shoulders to your toes???
Scott : it's 4 am dude what the fuck
Aaron : so you can't sleep huh ?
Aaron : it is cause of the blancket ?
________________________________________
Caleb : cute musics terms to name your children
Caleb : harmony
Caleb : viola
Caleb : melody
Caleb : celeste
Caleb : canon in inversion and augmentation
Melanthios : well that escalated quickly
Caleb : demisemihemidemisemiquaver
________________________________________
Cleonos : can't wait to hold a hand someday !!
Kokichi : if you go to your local morgue, you can hold one for relatively cheap.

C'est parti pour des incorrect quotes tirées uniquement de quote tumblr nulles.

----

Baset: Don't try me
Baset: I've watch enough anime to know how to fight

----

Antonio: Hold the fuck up, I say!
Antonio: I am the fuck up
Antonio: Please hold me

----

Nagito: At least I'll die doing something I love.
Arrietty: And that is?
Nagito: Dying

----

Maria: so I went to Aizawa's class and he literaly told us "I wrote the textbook for this course but I'm going to pirate it and give it to you guys for free because I hate my publishers".
Maria: a National Hero

----

Ichigo, finding a dead body: ok, first of all, big mood

----

Goultard: Every zoo is a petting zoo if you're not a little bitch

----

Clémentine: It's lesbian day!
Simeon: I thought it was everyday?
Clémentine: omg
Clémentine: You're right

----

Kokichi: I've been told by Cléonos that my hooter was too hostile towards Henry.
Kokichi: So if my hoots have offended you, I'm sorry Henry. I honestly did not think that you could read.

----

Karkat: I will RUIN your happiness!
Carmin: My happiness?
Carmin, turning to look at his classmates: ... I'm happy???

----

Arthur: Shove your ego up your ass!
Francis: It's too big.
Francis: It won't fit.

----

Simeon: Do you play any sports?
Henry: I run away from my feelings

----

Baset : Welcome to Applebees, do you want apple or bees?
Hajime: Wha- Bees???
Kokichi: He has selected the bees!
Hajime: Wait-
Baset, approaching menacingly with a jar full of bees:
Hajime: WAIT-

----

Alfred: Babe where do you wanna go for dinner?
Luciano: In between your thighs ;D
Alfred: Bitch this is not tumblr, I'm hungry

----

Kokichi: You're in for a big surprise ;-)
Nagito: Awww I'm excited!
Kokichi: I hired a deep web hitman to kill you
Nagito: YEEEEEESS

----

Darren: The other day I started writing an office romance but quickly remembered I have no experience with office work whatsoever
Vincent: As opposed to your vast personal experience with romance?
Darren, silently crying:

----

Varian: Every machine can be a smoke machine if it's used wrong enough!

----

Cléonos: My parents got an amazon echo Alexa for christmas and all they do is yell at it and get disappointed by all it can't do
Cléonos: I've been replaced by Alexa and I'm feeling great!

----

Sofia: I sent my christmas list to Santa, I can't wait!
Sofia: 1 000 000 000 in cash.
Sofia: Boyfriend.
Sofia: The souls of those who have displeased me this year.
Sofia: Another boyfriend in case the first one escapes.
Sofia: Money.
Jelila: We need to talk.

----

Hajime: Born to be mild.
Hajime: [mediocre guitar solo]

----

Carmin: I was do-doing a representation in class and I was stuttering, and then someone in the back yelled "RE RE RE REMIX"

----

Nagito: Hahaha… hahahaha… hahahahaha…
Raiponce: Haha… Is this a good laugh or a bad laugh…? Hahaha…
Nagito: Hahaha… AHAHAHAHAhahaha…
Raiponce: Haha… Well, the longer it goes on, the more I think it’s a bad laugh…

----

Simeon: Do you know who has a really big dick energy?
Simeon: The lord

----

Goultard: Two consenting adult should be able to duel each other to the death without legal repercussion I said what I said

----

Nathaniel: Why is everyone here obsessed with cotton eyed joe??
Jesse: Yeah like
Jesse: Where did it come from where did it go
Nathaniel, now holding a gun: That's it

----

Teacher: You son was in a fight.
Cléonos: Oh no, that's terrible...
Kokichi: Did they win???

----

Hizashi: I love disasters!
Shota: Self-love is a healthy thing.

----

Karkat: And remember! If I'm harsh with you, it's because you're doing it all wrong.

----

Arrietty: Do you think all my wanted posters are for petty theft?
Arrietty: [several stolen items fall from her clothing]
Arrietty:
Arrietty: Well, that’s part of it…

----

Henry: Fortunately, I have stupid sexy little bitch disease so I never understand anything you guys are talking about.

----

Cléonos: Who are you?
Cléonos from the future: I'm you, but gayer.

----

Laurent: Why are you so nice to me?
Damianos: I want to invest in your hotness.
Laurent: ... Thanks?

----

John: Hey, your shoelace is untied.
Terezi: I know
Terezi: It's a choice

----

Nagito: You're the only one who understands me.
Hajime: Yeah. But it doesn't mean I care.

Terezi : drop the kin list
Vincent : I am 45 years old
________________________________________

Clementine: Are you a big spoon or a little spoon?
Aaron: I'm a knife.
Carmin, from across the room: He's a little spoon.
________________________________________

Kenneth: But I'm straight-
Henry: So is spaghetti until it gets wet, man.
Kenneth: *chokes*
Henry: I'm just saying.
________________________________________

Karkat: Is this a cult?
Carmin: No.
Karkat: That’s exactly what someone in a cult would say.
________________________________________

Kaito: I just had a thought.
Nathaniel: Rare for you.
________________________________________

Clementine: Don’t talk down to me-
Lavinia: Well I can hardly talk up to you. You’re too short.
________________________________________

Dimitri: what do french people call french toast?
Dimitri: toast.
________________________________________

Keith, to his siblings: i am going to murder you.
Keith: and your family.
Keith: wait–
________________________________________

Simeon: do you ever wonder if you're the bad guy in someone else's story?
Scott, chugging a drink: I'm the bad guy in my own story
________________________________________

Nagito: Are you suggesting I sometimes stray from the rule book?
Hajime: I’m suggesting you might not OWN a copy of the rule book, and if you do have one, you’ve certainly NEVER OPENED IT.
________________________________________

Lavinia: I like this picture of the group, we looked so happy
Aaron: where's Scott?
Lavinia: he wasn't part of the group yet, that's why we were happy.
________________________________________

Henry: Truth or dare?
Keith: Truth.
Henry: How many hours have you slept this week?
Keith: Dare.
Henry: Go to sleep.
Keith: I don't like this game.
________________________________________

Damianos: I’m going to replace every bone in my body with a knife, so if someone punches me, they’re going to be in for a surprise.
Laurent: ...
Damianos: It’s the knives.
Laurent: No, yea, I got that.
________________________________________

Francis: Do you ever wonder what's beyond Saturn ? In space I mean..
Arthur:
Arthur: Do you mean Uranus?
Arthur: ...
________________________________________

Kokichi: I could kill you if I wanted.
Cleonos: Yeah? So could anyone else.
Kokichi: Huh?
Cleonos: So could a dog. So could a very dedicated duck.
Kokichi: ...
Cléonos: You’re not special.

Baset: like this tweet and I'll tell you my opinion about you
Baset: @Henry you kinda ugly
Henry: I DIDN'T EVEN LIKE YOUR TWEET

---

Kanaya: You know you can die from that, right?
Scott: [smoking a cigarette] That’s the point.
Clémentine: [drinking alcohol] We’re trying to speed this up.
Carmin: [Eating raw cookie dough and nodding]

---

Nagito: I got grounded for a whole week just because I came late to class.
Sofia: Well, you deserved it. I mean, getting everyone's hopes up like that... and then showing up...

---

Alfred: We’re gonna need a club activity.
Maria, running off and screaming: I’m gonna skateboard on the dome tables!
Hajime: THAT’S NOT A GOOD ACTIVITY!

---

Kokichi: I am the darkness, I am inevitable, I am the definition of shadow and dread-
Cléonos: Would you like some cuddles, dear?
Kokichi:
Kokichi, speaking softly: -ʸᵉˢ ᴵ ʷᵒᵘˡᵈ ˡᶦᵏᵉ ᶜᵘᵈᵈˡᵉˢ, ᵖˡᵉᵃˢᵉ

---

Chandara: I'm sorry. It's just that you remind me of my old boyfriend.
Chandara: He was a boy too.

---

Shota: In the light of how things have gone tonight, you may hug me for four to five seconds
Baset: FORTY FIVE SECONDS?
Shota: No! FOUR TO-
Baset: [hugging Shota with a bastard smile] No take backs!

---

Ramuda: ‘Befriend milfs’ is on my to-do list today.
Ramuda, approaching Porrim: hi

---

Hajime: Why would you give a knife to Kokichi?!
Nagito, shrugging: Kokichi felt unsafe.
Hajime: Now I feel unsafe!
Nagito: I’m sorry…
Nagito: Would you like a knife?

---

Lucifer: I have the sharpest memory here. Name one thing that I forgot.
Mammon: You left me in Bloombury three weeks ago.
Lucifer: That was on purpose, try again.

---

Porrim: My kink is when people actually care about my feelings and what I have to say
Lavinia: Too unrealistic, settle for bondage like the rest of us

---

Karkat: damn the power went out
Luciano: don’t worry, I got this
Luciano: [shakes rapidly and starts to light up]
Karkat: What-?
Luciano: I swallowed a glow stick!
Karkat, on the verge of tears: WHY WOULD YOU-

---

Darren: I am, as the kids say, awake.
Hizashi: Don’t you mean woke?
Darren: Yes, but that’s grammatically incorrect.

---

Lavinia: you're such a pussy
Clémentine: I am what I eat.
Carmin: *spits his beer*

---

Hajime: Well being a dick doesn't make you interesting.
Ramuda: Neither does having no personality

---

Shota: Ok, listen up you little shits
Shota: Not you Arrietty. You are an angel and we are glad to have you :)

---

Lavinia: I dare you to kiss the next person that walks into the room
Scott: Screw that, I m not kissing anyone in this goddamned institute-
Simeon: [Walks in]
Scott: Fine. I'll do it. Rules are rules you know.

---

Hajime: I think you're still suffering the effects of your party last night.
Nagito: All I drank was Dr Pepper!
Hajime: How many?
Nagito: Eighteen.

---

Keith: I can't believe we're stuck in this room together
Henry, throwing away the key: Truly unfortunate

---

Cléonos: Baset, we tried things your way.
Baset: No, we didn't.
Cléonos: I did it in my head and it didn't work.

---

Alfred: Oh my god, those noodles were so good! I feel like I just cheated on you.
Luciano: Yeah, I heard the moaning.

---

Arthur: [sneezes]
Arthur: ...You are not even gonna say 'bless you?'
Francis: I am sitting here with you. You clearly already HAVE been blessed

---

Porrim: Sofia there is someone coming down the hallway
Sofia: Who is it?
Porrim: We’re detecting unusually high levels of sass.
Sofia: Lavinia!

---

Carmin: Is there anything better than pussy?
Carmin: Yes, a really good book

---

Hajime: so what's your type
Nagito: cute, brown hair, green eyes, oblivious, serious
Hajime: that kinda sounds like me, too bad it's someone else.
Nagito: ...did i mention oblivious?
Hajime: yeah
Nagito: okay, just making sure

---

Henry: I'm never going to die because that would be "bury your gays".

---

Damianos: 13 year old me would be both terrified and in awe at who I am now.
Sofia: 13 year old me thought I’d be dead by now.
Maria: I would fight a 13 year old me.

---

Kokichi: I've done nothing wrong. Except for all the atrocities. Besides that I'm innocent

Kokichi: You're the love of my life and my best friend, I would do anything for you.
Cléonos: I want you to eat three meals a day and have a decent sleep schedule.
Kokichi: Absolutely not.

---

Porrim: What doesn't kill me should run, because now I'm fucking pissed.

---

Ramuda, negotiating with Atsushi: We have Baset. Give us ten thousand dollars and he will be returned to you unharmed
Baset: Whoa, whoa, wait, you think I’m only worth ten thousand dollars?
Ramuda:
Baset: MAKE IT ONE MILLION–
Ramuda: BASET STOP

---

Catalina : You wanna see how hardcore I am?
Catalina : punches wall
Catalina :
Catalina : Take me to the hospital.

---

Shinobu :  Some of you may die, but that’s a sacrifice I’m willing to make.

---

Kenny: Do you have any skeletons in your closet?
Porrim: You mean literally or figuratively?
Kenny: Honestly, the fact that I have to specify...

---

Darren: What's a word thats a mix between 'sad' and 'mad'?
Kanaya: Disgruntled, miserable, desolated-
Henry: Smad.

---

Lukas: Goodnight moon.
Lukas: Goodnight tree.
Lukas: Goodnight ghosts that only I can see.

---

Peter: Don’t worry, I have a few knives up my sleeve.
Baset: I think you mean cards.
Peter, pulling knives out of their sleeves: No, I do not.

---

[Cléonos and Karkat skipping stones on lake]
Cléonos: It’s such a beautiful evening.
Karkat, whispering: Take that you fucking lake

---

Porrim: holding a bottle Is this whiskey or perfume?
Kenneth: chugs entire bottle
Kenneth: It’s perfume.

---

Peter: Change is inedible.
Mentos: Don't you mean inevitable?
Peter, spitting out coins: No, I did not.

---

Nathaniel: Treat spiders the way you want to be treated.
Nagito: Killed without hesitation.
Nathaniel: No.

---

Caleb : Dear friends, your Christmas gift this year… is me. That’s right, another year of friendship. Your membership has been renewed.

---

Cléonos: This is such a bad idea.
Kokichi: Then why are you coming along?
Cléonos: One of us need to be able to talk the cops out of arresting us when this inevitably goes wrong.

---

[Francis, Damianos, and Chandara are sitting on a bench]
Lucifer: Why do you guys look so sad?
Francis: Sit down with us so we can tell you.
[Lucifer sits down]
Damianos: The bench is freshly painted.

---

Karkat: Fuck.
Meulin: We've got to work on your cursing.
Karkat: Why? I'm pretty good at cursing already.

---

Célestin: Oliver... Why did you draw a pentagram on the floor?
Oliver: Your text told me to satanize the house before you returned.
Célestin:
Célestin: I wrote sanitize, Oliver.

---

Hajime: So what’s for dinner?
Nagito, staring at the food he just burnt: Regret.

---

Carmela : I slept for almost 12 hours but I might still be tired so lets go for 12 more just incase.
Darren: Carmela , that's a coma.
Carmela : Sounds festive.

---

Goultard: Screams
Karkat: Screams louder to establish dominance
Cléonos: Should we do something?
Nagito: No, I want to see who wins.

---

Peter: When someone points at your black clothes and asks whose funeral it is, having a look around the room and saying 'Haven’t decided yet' is typically a good response.

---

Baset: Here’s a fun Christmas idea. We hang mistletoe, but instead of kissing, you have to FIGHT whoever else is under it.
Cléonos: Baset no.
Kokichi: Mistlefoe.
Cléonos: Please stop encouraging him.

---

Aaron: Favorite horror movie?
Caleb: It
Meulin: Saw
Lilwenn: Annabelle
Alfred: High School Musical. after watching it I spent all my middle school years terrified that the entire school would start singing something and I’d be the only one who didn’t know the lyrics

---

Kokichi: Cléonos, I'm sad.
Cléonos: [Holds out arms for a hug] It’s going to be okay.
Karkat: Dave, I'm sad.
Dave, nodding: mood.

---

Alfred: Date someone who will drag you outside at 3am to look at the stars.
Luciano: If anyone, and I mean anyone, wakes me up at 3am to go look at the damn sky they will be removed indefinitely from my life.

---

Kokichi: I’m going to take you out
Cléonos: great, it’s a date!
Kokichi: I meant that as a threat.
Cléonos: See you at five

---

Ramuda: What is your biggest weakness?
Baset: I can be uncooperative.
Ramuda: Okay, can you give me an example?
Baset: No.

---

Oliver: Name a more iconic duo than my crippling fear of abandonment and my anxiety. I'll wait.
Célestin: You and me!!!
Oliver, tearing up: Okay.

---

Karkat: Is stabbing someone immoral?
Nagito: Not if they consent to it.
Goultard: Depends who you’re stabbing.
Cléonos: YES?!?

---

Ramuda: Okay. I get it. You've had a really hard time lately, you're stressed out, seven people died-
Baset: Twelve, actually.
Ramuda: Not the point. Look, they're dead now and really whose fault is that?
Baset: Yours!
Ramuda: That's right: no one's.

---

Kokichi: In my defense, I was left unsupervised.
Hajime: Wasn't Nagito with you?
Nagito: In my defense, I was also left unsupervised.

---

Feliciano, standing with their back turned: I’ve been expecting you, Lovino.
Lovino: How did you do that without turning around?
Feliciano: ... To be perfectly honest, the first couple of people I did that to were not you.

---

Meulin: I've already sent good vibes your way… they’re coming. There’s nothing you can do to stop them.
Porrim: This is the most threatening way I’ve ever been cheered up.

---

Shota: Hizashi and I are having a baby.
Arrietty: That's gre-
Shota, slamming adoption papers on the table: It's you, sign here.

---

Alfred: Karkat, can I talk to you for a second?
Karkat: Yeah, what’s up? Lemme guess. You and Luciano are having problems and you want me to teach you how to kiss?
Alfred: What? No, stop that. I know how to kiss. I’ve read books.

---

Hajime: Do you take constructive criticism?
Baset: I only take cash or credit.

---

Aaron: Carmin and I have the kind of easy chemistry where we finish each other's-
Carmin: Sentences.
Aaron: Don't interrupt me.

---

Karkat, addressing the squad: And if you have any suggestions feel free to put them in the suggestion box.
Luciano: But – that’s just a trash can.
Karkat: It sure is!

---

Baset: I told Aizawa their ears flush when he lies.
Ramuda: Why?
Baset: Look.
Baset: Hey Aizawa! Do you love us?
Aizawa, covering their ears: No.
Ramuda:

---

Feliciano: Sorry it took me so long to bail you out of jail
Kokichi: No it’s my fault, I shouldn’t’ve used my one phone call to prank call the police

---

Nyneve: Kicks the door down looking panicked
Jelila: What did you do?
Nyneve: Nobody died.
Jelila: WHAT KIND OF ANSWER IS THAT?!

---

John: Just be yourself.
Karkat: 'Be myself'? John, I have one day to win Dave over. How long did it take before you guys started liking me?
Alfred: Couple weeks.
Luciano: Six months.
Terezi: Jury’s still out.
Karkat: See, John?
Karkat: 'Be myself'. What kind of garbage advice is that?

---

Belphie: Am I in trouble?
Shôta: Take a guess.
Belphie: No?
Shôta: Take another guess.

---

Aaron: You kill people for money?!
Clémentine: I can explain!
Aaron: And all this time I’ve been doing it for free like a chump!

---

Alfred: So that’s my plan.
Arthur: Are you alright with constructive criticism? I don’t want to sound mean.
Alfred: No, go ahead, I want to hear it.
Arthur: It fucking sucks.
Alfred: That’s not constructive criticism

---

Baset: What do you think Cléonos will do for a distraction?
Kokichi: He’ll probably, like, make a noise or throw a rock. That’s what I would do.
[Building explodes and several car alarms go off]
Kokichi: ... or he could do that.

---

Vincent: Is something burning?
Darren: Just my love for you.
Vincent: Darren, the toaster is on fire.

---

Keith: While I’m gone, Henry, you’re in charge.
Henry: Yes!!!
Keith, whispering: Simeon, you’re secretly in charge.
Simeon: Obviously.

Kokichi: You're so ugly when you lie!
Kainé: I'm not lying.
Kokichi:
Kokichi: Then why are you ugly?

----

Gon: [walking around still disappointed 6 hours after visiting an aquarium.]
Darren: What did you think a tiger shark was, Gon?

----

Baset: I'm using the "C" at the end of your word, Cléonos.
Cléonos: Which one?
Baset: Xebec.
Alfred: I still say that's not a word.
Cléonos: I told you, it's an antiquated, tri-masted, Mediterranean sailing vessel.
Alfred: None of those are words!

----

Goultard: You know, I do have an idea how I can make this right.
Shota: Really? Can you tell me your idea without using the words fight, punch, kick or without any fighting sounds?
Goultard: No.

----

Hajime: Isn't that unethical?
Kokichi: No!
Hajime: "Unethical" means "morally wrong."
Kokichi: Oh. Then yes.

----

Nite: It's okay, Oboro. Everyone's afraid of something.
Oboro: Even you?
Nite: No.

----

Alfred: Fists of surveillance!
Karkat: Why do you do that?
Alfred: Do what?
Karkat: Just 'cause you say "fists of" before something, it doesn't mean that you're doing a special move. It's like me saying "elbows of power!" or "armpits of... making sandwiches!"
Alfred: Fists of disagreement.

----

Clémentine: Don't say a word.
Henry:
Henry: Fergalicious
Clémentine: I said no words.
Henry: Oh, I see. Two weeks ago playing Scrabble, it's not a word. Now suddenly it is a word because it's convenient for you.

----

Lucifer: There's been a lot of lies in this family.
Mammon: And a lot of love!
Lucifer: More lies.

----

Cléonos: Let's do this! [cracks knuckles]
Baset: Wow, your knuckles are quiet.
Cléonos: They're polite.

----

Chandara: Do you even know what you're talking about?
Mammon: No. Why? Do I sound like I do?

----

Baset: You can trust me.
Arrietty: I don't even trust the way you just now said I could trust you.

----

Dimitri: Aren't you coming in with me?
Keyne: I'm not your mom, Dimitri. [hands them a lunchbox] Here's your sandwich. I'll pick you up at five.

----

Scott: I am 24 Jack Daniel's whisky tall.
Simeon: Why did you think you needed to measure yourself in whisky tall?
Scott: We were out of beer.

----

Hajime: [mentally] Wait, is he into me? Quick, make a bad joke and see if he laughs.
Hajime: [aloud] Did you hear the one about the skeleton who couldn't go to the party? He had no body to go with.
Nagito: [laughs] That's a bit funny.
Hajime:
Hajime: [mentally] Well, that's not a fair test. That joke's hilarious.

----

Carmin: W-why do you have your shirt off?
Henry: Can't spill food on your shirt if you're not wearing one.

----

Ramuda: Hey, what's your number?
Porrim: [visibly texting] I don't have a phone.

----

Carmin: No one asked you to take your shirt off. S-stop volunteering to take your shirt off!
Henry: I can't hear you. My shirt's over my ears.

----

Clémentine: You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
Lavinia: ...Is that not half the reason I'm your girlfriend in the first place?

----

Oboro: It's my birthday, the most fun day of the year, something you wouldn't understand because you're not programmed to feel joy.
Shota: Yes, but my software is due for an exuberance upgrade.
Oboro: You know, when you play along with the robot jokes, it kinda ruins my enjoyment of them.
Shota: Yes, I know.

----

Nagito: I don't think we've met. I'm Nagito Komaeda.
Nathaniel: Hi. I'm disgusted.

----

Hajime: You're an awful person.
Ramuda: Maybe. But I'm ralented and I'm pretty, so it doesn't really matter.

Bon. Certaine personne les ont déjà vu, mais je les post ici proprement : Mes ICs imagés.

Le BTT quand Françis parle Français:

Drama-Queen Françis:

Le pire Dorms des Strixyst:

Les "dads" du forum:

Tsuchigomori vs Capitalisme:

What's a thot?:

Hey. It's Klee.:

About Poker:

Keyne: you know, Chandara gives Mammon flowers every day. i wish you’d do that too
Dimitri: okay
*the next day*
Dimitri: *gives Mammon flowers*
Mammon: ??????
Dimitri: i don’t know. i’m confused as well
______
Bill : Hey Dipper
Dipper : Yes ?
Bill : Can a person breathe inside a washing machine while it’s on ?
Dipper :
Dipper : Where’s Mabel ?
______
Karkat : so what exactly is Alfred to you ?
Luciano : the reason I wake up every morning
Karkat : That’s nice
[earlier that day]
Alfred, bursting into Luciano’s room : LUCIANO YOU’LL NEVER BELIEVE THIS-
_____
Simeon : All right Scott, knock’em dead !
Simeon : That was a figure of speech. Please don’t kill anyone
_____
Aizawa : I should probably tell people how I feel today.
Aizawa : It can’t be healthy keeping that all bottled up.
Aizawa : I need to open up to somebody
Oboro : How are you ?
Aizawa : I AM ABSOLUTELY FINE.
_____
Henry : you have a lot of nerve being here
Cleonos : you have a lot of nerve being alive.
_____
Geralt, addressing the class: So, if you have any complaints about how I run my class, make sure to put them in the suggestion box.
Arthur, raising his hand : Um, isn’t that a trash can ?
Geralt : It sure is.
_____
Clémentine : God give me patience.
Lavinia : Don’t you mean « god give me strength »?
Clémentine : If the gods gave me strength you guys would be dead.
_____
Law: It's funny people think I'm quiet
Law: I'm just listening to everyones conversations
Law: And figuring out your weaknesses
Law: And I'll use them against you further in life.
Law: Because I hate everyone.
_____
Belphegor : Why are you looking at me through a fork ?
Lucifer : I’m pretending you’re in jail.
Belphegor : Why ?
Lucifer : It’s spiritually healing.
_____
Kokichi: why does everyone assume the worst of us?
Baset : it saves time.
_____
Henry, lying down : people keep trying to take me out.
Keith : like on a date or like with a rifle ?
Henry : Yes.
_____
Carmin : s-sarcasm won’t g-get you anywhere.
Scott : Well it got me to the Sarcasm World Championships in ‘98. 
Carmin : d-did it ?
Scott : No.
_____
Lance : *forcefully and repeatedly pushing a door that clearly says pull*
Nyneve : Push harder.
_____

Alfred : I love you because you make the best bacon.
Luciano : Would you still love me if I didn't make the best bacon?
Alfred : Let's not find out.

*

[On the 4th of July]
Alfred : Today is all about freedom.
Arthur : That's right.
Alfred : That means I can do whatever I want.
Arthur : It doesn't mean that at all.
Alfred : Why do you hate America?

*

Peter : I can't sleep. I have too much on my mind.
Melanthios : Like what?
Peter : Vampires.

*

Karkat : I'm not in the mood.
John : For what?
Karkat : Anything.

*

Arthur : *bakes a pie* How is it?
Luciano : Better.
Arthur : Really?
Luciano : I barely hated it at all.

Francis : Where did you get this recipe?
Arthur : A cookbook.
Francis : Did you read it?

Alfred : What's this?
Arthur : A new recipe.
Alfred : Shouldn't you test it on animals first?

Keith : *tastes Arthur’s new recipe*
Arthur : What do you think?
Keith : Do you want me to be honest or nice?

*

Clémentine : The blood bank called. They want me to donate again.
Carmin : Why?
Clémentine : I have a rare blood type.
Carmin : Evil?

*

Kenneth : I can tell that dog is a good boy.
Porrim : How?
Kenneth : He's a dog.

*

Darren : Want to help me water the flowers?
Goultard : If we pick them all, you won't have to water them anymore.
Darren : Maybe I'll just water them myself.

*

Karkat : Stop it!
Luciano : I'm not doing anything.
Karkat : You don't have to do something to be annoying.

*

Mammon : Can I fill up water balloons? I won't throw them at people.
Lucifer : Not even at our brothers?
Mammon : They don't count.

*

Cléonos : What happened to you?
Henry : What do you mean?
Cléonos : You look different.
Henry : As in better?
Cléonos : No.

*

Carmin : How much cheese can I have?
Aaron : As much as you want.
Carmin : They don't make that much cheese.

*

Meulin : I got a note from my secret admirer.
Porrim : Do you know who it is?
Meulin : It should be everyone.

*

Gon : Do we have school today?
Alfred : Yes. Why would you even ask that?
Gon : Hope.

*

Aaron : I'm not little!
Scott : Then what are you?
Aaron : The perfect size.

*

[stuck on a project]
Cléonos : I have an idea.
Baset : No fire.
Cléonos : I'm out of ideas.

*

Gon : What do you call a birthday cake when it's not your birthday?
Magnus : A cake.
Gon : There's a word for everything.

C'est parti pour l'édition "tumblr post" car j'aime trop ça.



Scott : Fuck therapy
Scott : I'm becoming a knight

------------

Hajime : Do you realize identity usurpation is a crime?
Baset : proof?
Hajime : https://www.law.cornell.edu/regulations/Code-SS-595-10-1-101
Baset : im not reading that

------------

Alfred : Here is my issue.
Alfred : Why are fancy burgers so tall? What do you expect me to do with that?
Alfred : Unlock my jaw like a serpent?
Alfred : Nah, I can't accomodate that. A burger should be a wider circumference, not more height.
Alfred : Thank about a frisbee. Or a vinyl.
Alfred : That's ambition.
Alfred : That's progress.

------------

Belphegor : help i've fallen and im perfectly capable of getting up but i refuse to.

------------

Gorou : Not to be corny but... Sometimes I think my purpose on this earth is to love people, make them happy, be kind and share joy. That feels enough to me.
Gen : I'm here to maim and kill on sight but your thing sounds nice too

------------

Owen : what you up to?
Carmilla : I'm eating. You?
Owen : god i wish your text had no punctuation
Carmilla : What?
Owen : what

------------

Karkat : God what a fucking year this morning has been

------------

Kyojuro : If the internet dies here is a list of the places you can find me!
Kyojuro : - The macdonalds at 3:48 am

------------

Kokichi : the masculine urge to
Cléonos : Light kitchen appliances on fire.
Kokichi : everyone shut the fuck up i found my soulmate!

------------

Peter : How does a nonbinary samurai kill people?
Peter : they/them
Tyli : What the fuck are you talking about

------------

Goultard : How does kissing a guy one time makes me gay??
Goultard : If I cook one time am I a fucking chef??

------------

Vincent : Sure, email it! :D
Geralt : In case you didn't know, smiley face aren't considered professional.
Vincent : :(

------------

Peter : When will the clown sightings happen again, that was fun!
Karkat : Look in the mirror and they can start real soon!

------------

Luciano : Uno is based on luck
Luciano : Unless I win, then it's based on strategy and I'm a genius

------------

Lucifer : Where have you been??
Belphegor : sleeping
Lucifer : For two days???
Belphegor : ya

------------


Henry : what does this say?
Kyrstie : I can't read cursive handwritting.
Henry : bitch me neither that's why i asked

------------

Aoki : i'm sleepy
Tyli : Go to bed.
Aoki : but i want to talk to you!
Tyli : Then don't go to sleep.
Aoki : but im sleepy...
Tyli : I'm going to kill you.

------------

Meulin : List of words containing "meow"!
Meulin : Meow, meowed, meowing, meows, homeowner.
Gorou : This is destroying my life.

------------

Baset : Whatever you hear about me, believe it. I no longer have time to explain.
Baset : You can also add some if you want.

------------

Francis : Darling (condescending, with a bit of gay subtext)

------------

Lavinia : *drops my phone on my girlfriend's face when trying to take a cute pic of her sleeping*

------------

Berwald : You can't spell stupid without "u".
Matthias : WELL, YOU CAN'T SPELL STUPID WITHOUT "I" EITHER!!

------------

Juzo : For my defense your honor, I had a really good music on and it made me want to do something evil

------------

Gorou : I hate furries lol but if I was a furry I'd be the coolest one and my fursona would be awesome and my paws would be cute
Gorou : Fuck all this shit tho

------------

Eula : the fuck is a resume bitch just give me the job

------------

Baset : Guess what I'm about to get?
Ichigo : on my nerves.

------------

Aaron : Let's go to a graveyard today and enjoy the scenery
Aaron : And you can play pokemon Go
Darren : so this is what being a millennial is...

dp bouahah

LA FLAMME épisodes 4, 5, 6:

Oliver: You think the "they/them" in my bio is because I'm non binary, but you're wrong. It's because I'm actually 10 opposums stacked up together in a lolita dress

.

Anqiu, getting over the results of the election: I wish you well.
Yumeko: I wish you well. IN HELL!
Anqiu: …
Yumeko: HAHAHA BURN IN HELL!

.

Baset: Don’t worry I have a few knives up my sleeve.
Cléonos: Don’t you mean cards?
Ichigo: He did not.
Baset, pulling out several knives: I did not.

.

Kainé: You just need to listen to common sense and reasonable discourse.
Kokichi: Please tell me those aren't the names of your fists…
Kainé: My blades actually, I'm more of a stabber.

.

Ema: I’m immune to hurtful words because Yuta says nice things to me every day to protect me.
Francis: I’m immune to hurtful words because Arthur is mean to me every day so I’m prepared.

.

Yumeko: If you found out you had one day left to live, what would you do with it?
Moon: I'll say goodbye and mend my relationships
Peter: I'll do something illegal
Yumeko: I'll accept my fate
Gen: I'll message ten people on Pentagram and tell them that if they don't send it back to ten other people, I'll die tomorrow
Moon: Jesus Gen!
Peter: Haha dude that's fucking sick! Can I change my answer?

.

Kyojuro: I regret telling you where the ice cream machine is.
Gabriel, eating pizza ice cream: Why?

.

Keith: Everyone has a toxic trait, except Meulin she's perfect.
Meulin: Nope! My toxic trait is how bad I want to domesticate a racoon!

.

Arthur: The Eagles won last night.
Alfred: Oh did you watch the game?
Arthur, covered in blood and scratches: What game.

.

Henry: No homo has been cancelled. Everyone can have a little homo. As a treat.

.

Eula: They’re my service bees.
Yoimiya: But they’re not trained. They attack anyone who gets near you.
Eula: They’re trained.

.

Yumeko: Ready Alexandre? Kick the baby!
Alexandre: Thou shall not kick the baby.
Yumeko: Kick the baby! *kicks Alexandre*

.

Chandara: Aaaw, I remember playing doctor as a child!
Shinobu: Me too.
Baby Shinobu, holding a stethoscope to a teddy bear's heart: The cancer has spread. Get your affairs on order.

.

Francis: *draws a circle around himself in the dirt* Look! A pentagram!
Karkat: Pentagrams need a star in them.
Francis: I’m the star.

.

Lucifer: this is an uwu and owo free zone. everyone who says uwu and owo shall be arrested for they’re crimes against humanity.
Kokichi: Cwimes against huwumanity.
Lucifer: I’ll break your fingers.
Kokichi: Thwis mortawl body is but a shwell for the howwors that lie within.

.

Aaron, during a duel: Prepare to die.
Peter: Hold on, let me ask Gen.
Aaron: Wait that's not how this works-
Peter: He said no.

.

Daria: How much rent for this fine apartment?
Employee: Ma'am this is the wine aisle of a grocery store.

.

Hajime: What are you doing on the floor?
Nagito: I'm sad.
Hajime: Oh…
Nagito: Also I was stabbed, can you please get Idun?

Damian: No matter what I do, no one at school wants to… be friends with me….
Anqiu: Yeah I literally can’t relate to that problem at all but you know who no one likes? HEY ALEXANDRE!
Alexandre: First of all, how dare you?

—------------------------------------------------------

Gen: I think my favorite thing about being engaged is when I ask my fiancé "who is my future husband?" kind of the same way you ask a dog "who is a good boy?". He gets really excited and goes "It's me! I'm your future husband!"

—------------------------------------------------------

Arthur: Francis, can you turn the lights on?
Francis: I don’t need to! You’re the only light I need!
Arthur: Francis I can’t fucking see.

—------------------------------------------------------

Kyojuro: It’s come to my attention that people think I have favorites within my disciples. Don”t be stupid, I love all Kamados and non-Kamados equally. Y’all are crazy.

—------------------------------------------------------

Gorou: I just wanna hear those 3 little words.
Itto: I love you!
Gorou: Il love you too but try again.
Itto: Fine. I will behave.
Gorou: Thank you.

—------------------------------------------------------

Kokichi: I’m covered in blood for sexy reasons.
Kokichi: Also I got stabbed.

—------------------------------------------------------

Bill: When I said “bring me back something from the beach”, I meant like a seashell.
Lélio, struggling to hold a seagull in a bag: Well you didn’t fucking say that now did you.

—------------------------------------------------------

Clémentine: *sliding a photo across the table* I want you to stab this person in the leg.
Aaron: This… is a photo of you.
Clémentine: Lavina wants me to try Zumba.

—------------------------------------------------------

Peter on Gen’s phone: Aww he made his contact for me “the love of my life”! ….Wait this isn’t my number *dials the number*
Speaker: Welcome to Coca Cola. To reach customer services please press-

—------------------------------------------------------

Anya : Hey, you want some leftovers?
Damian: What's that?
Anya: You've never had leftovers???
Damian: No, because I'm not a quitter.

—------------------------------------------------------

Baset: I just stepped on one of Kainé’s flowers, how long do you think I have to live?
Oliver: Ten.
Baset: Ten what?
Oliver: Nine.

—------------------------------------------------------

Lilwenn: What is your biggest weakness?
Inosuke: I can be uncooperative.
Liwenn: Okay, can you give me an example?
Inosuke: No.

—------------------------------------------------------

Claude: Am I in trouble?
Lysithea: Take a guess.
Claude: No?
Lysithea: Take another guess.

—------------------------------------------------------

Daria: A red wine please.
McDonald’s employee: Miss this is a McDonald’s
Daria: Ah of course! A McRed wine please.

—------------------------------------------------------

Keith: Did you just put glitter in the laundry detergent?
Meulin: I’m testing out a new idea: Sparkle Suds. Dress loud.
Keith: STUP PUTTING GLITTER IN EVERYTHING! THIS MORNING YOU PUT GLITTER IN THE BUTTER!
Meulin: Disco Dairy. Spread the party.

—------------------------------------------------------

Itto: You deserve an award for putting up with me.
Gorou: You’re my award!

Itto: You deserve an award for putting up with me.
Sara: Damn right I do you are a PAIN in the ASS

—------------------------------------------------------

Baset: Hi, welcome to Applebees. Would you like apples or bees?
Cléonos: B-bees?
Baset: HE HAS SELECTED THE BEES!
Cléonos: W-wait!
Lélio: *walks in with a jar of bees*
Cléonos: WAIT!
—------------------------------------------------------

Inosuke: So, I have this beautiful rock, Zenitsu gave it to me!
Zenitsu: I threw it at you.
Inosuke: He’s very sweet!

—------------------------------------------------------

Karkat: I hate you with every inch of my being.
Carmin: …That’s not a lot of inches.

—------------------------------------------------------

Anya: We’re going to a candy store? :D
Gen: No, it’s night time, candy stores are closed.
Peter: WE’RE GONNA ROB A CANDY STORE? :D

—------------------------------------------------------

Kyojuro: That’s one of my biggest fears. Like, if I ever woke up as a donut...
Shinobu: You would eat yourself?
Kyojuro: I wouldn’t even question it.

—------------------------------------------------------

Clémentine: Oh my god, how are you such a good driver?
Chandara: Because there’s illegal shit in here. Because if I don’t use my turn signal, we’re both gonna do 15 years in jail. Because I’m going to lie and say it’s yours. Put your seatbelt on sweetheart, you are note safe (◕ᴗ◕✿)

—------------------------------------------------------

Kyrstie : If I die, my funeral is going to be the biggest party ever and you’re all invited
Scott: If?
Belphie: Great, the only party I’ve ever been invited to and they might not even die.

Lian: What are you in the mood for?
Cheng: World domination.
Lian: That's a bit ambitious.
Cheng: And you're my world~
Lian: Aww...
Lian:
Lian: OH.
---
Sara: how did you two get in an accident?
Gorou: he was driving and there was a deer on the road so I yelled "Itto, deer!"
Sara: and?
Gorou: tell her what you said
Itto:
Itto: I said "yes, honey?"
---
Hajime: What is wrong with you?
Nagito: Loaded question. Elaborate.
---
Clémentine: Being gay is a constant battle between "I wish to sit on a window bench with my lover, our legs tangling as we listen to the birds" and "Hey, let's go throw rocks at fascists" and I think that's very sexy of us.
Ming: If the window's open and you time it right, you can do both.
---
Harry: How many kids do you have?
Gen: Biologically, emotionally, or legally?
---
Kyojuro: I left instructions for everyone while i'm gone
Ichigo: mine just says "Ichigo no"
Kyojuro: i want you to apply it to every possible situation
---
Luciano: Alfred, am I ugly?
Alfred: Nonsense. I'm looking at you right now. You're the most beautiful boy in the world.
[meanwhile]
Moon: Henry, am I ugly?
Henry: Very much.
---
Scott: *is carrying all the groceries*
Simeon: *holds out hand to help*
Scott: *aggressively moves all the groceries to one hand to hold Simeon's hand*
---
Harry, to all his children: fuckin disgraces all of you
Bob:
Harry: not you Bob, you’re perfect
---
Tanjiro: *sighs* Inosuke, we tried things your way.
Inosuke: no, we didn't?
Tanjiro: i did it in my head and it didn't work.
---
Henry (on the phone with tim): turn around
Henry: no the other way
Henry: again, the other way
Henry: no not there, one more time!
Moon: OH MY GOD WHERE ARE YOU?
Henry: i’m not there yet, but the thought of you aimlessly turning around in circles amuses me
---
Scott: The next person to say ‘weird flex but okay’ is getting a kick to the shin.
Lélio: Preposterous boast but alas.
---
Cléonos: One of the many, many things that baffles me about Baset is that he manages to remain unmurdered.
---
[narrating]
Karkat: This is Keith. Keith loves his personal space.
Karkat: This is Meulin. Meulin also loves Keith's personal space.
---
Lélio: Bet you can’t eat 15 crayons!
Bill: Bet you I can!
Kyrstie: *sips coffee, checks to make sure 911 is still on speed dial, and goes back to reading the paper*
---
[On a hike]
Laurent: It’s beautiful out here.
Laurent: And quiet.
Laurent: Too quiet.
Laurent: Did we lose someone?
[cut to Tamaki with a bear in a headlock]
---
Catalina: *trips over*
Louis, running to pick her up: oh my god! are you okay? are you hurt? look, you ripped your trousers-
Arthur: *throws himself down the stairs*
Francis, watching from the top: do a backflip next time.
---
Shinobu: Have you ever had something so beautiful everyone wants it?
Kyojuro: I have YOU.
---
Keyne: You believe me?
Dimitri: Keyne, you are the last good person on this earth. I would believe cartoon birds combed your hair this morning.
---
Anya: Can you sing me a song to help me sleep?
Peter: Sure.
Peter: *clears throat*
Peter: I LOVE BAD BITCHES—
Gen, from the other room: Peter!
Peter: Twinkle twinkle little star—
---
Lian: The moon looks so pretty tonight.
Cheng: Just like you.
Lian: *blushes*
[outside]
Ying: Should we tell them that's a tortilla you threw at the window?
Ming: Nah.

Tom : i made a short list of reason why i don't like you
Harry : it's a 40 pages essay

---

Ajax: My life isn't as glamorous as my wanted poster makes it look like.

---

Tom: Merlin, give me patience.
Lélio: I think you mean 'give me strength'.
Tom: If Merlin gave me strength, you'd be dead.

---

Keyne: So what’s for dinner?
Dimitri, staring at the food they just burnt: Regret.

---

Baby: *crying*
Lian, picking him up: it's okay, you're going to learn how to do it on the inside when you're older.

---

Alexandre: May you please be serious for five minutes?
Peter: My record is four, but I think I can do it.

---

Keith: How petty can you get?
Arthur: I once edited a Wikipedia article to win an argument I was wrong about.

---

Chandara: I've already sent good vibes your way… they’re coming. There’s nothing you can do to stop them.
Owen: This is the most threatening way I’ve ever been cheered up.

---

Cheng: Stressed
Lian: Depressed
Zhongli: Blessed
Ming: Unimpressed
Ying: Chicken breast
Everyone: *stares at him*
Ying: What? I just wanted to be included

---

Arthur: I left instructions for everyone for while I am gone.
Alfred: Mine just says, "Alfred, no."
Arthur: And I want you to apply that to every possible situation.

---

Aaron: I prevented a murder today.
Clémentine: Really? How’d you do that?
Aaron: Self control.

---

Harry: Must be hard not being able to laugh
Tom: I do have a sense of humor you know
Harry: I’ve never heard you laugh before
Tom: I’ve never heard you say anything funny

---

Waitress: and what would you like?
Belphegor: I wish to devour the unborn
Kyrstie: eggs, he wants eggs

---

Gorou: are you sure you want to eat spaghetti with a white shirt on???
Itto: You’re right.
Itto, taking his shirt off: This better?
Gorou clearly flustered: n-yes

---

Lance: Damen has a good heart
Karkat: Yes, I’ve noticed you staring at his good heart

---

Ming: Why are you so mad at me? Is it because I slept with your sister?
Someone: YOU WHAT?!
Ming: Fuck, it wasn't that.

---

Cheng: Hey, gege
Lian: Yes, San Lang?
Cheng: Can you come with me to see my friends? They need proof that angel exists.
Lian: ....
Lian: San Lang, you have friends?

---

Anya: Trust fall!
Damian: I’m not gonna catch you.
Anya: I’m falling !!
Damian leaping over tables and throwing people out of the way to catch Anya: You are a nightmare.

---

Gen: Has anyone ever told you you're really annoying?
Peter, hurt: ...no?
Gen: Good. I'm too tired for drawn out acts of vengence today.

---

Kokichi: you are playing hard to get
Kokichi: little does you know, i'm a master at playing hard to get rid of

---

Hajime: Do you ever think before you speak?
Nagito: Nope! I like to be just as surprised as everyone else.

Inosuke: Fight me you nerd ass punk!
Lilwenn: At least try to sound sophisticated when you threaten someone.
Inosuke: Thous thou wish to engage in a duel my good bitch?
Lilwenn: Somehow, this is worse.

—

Matthias: How do you deal with all this trauma?
Berwald: I will call my mama.
Matthias: That’s beautiful man.
Berwald: Call my mama a bitch!

—

Peter: I think I found a way to make money!
Kainé: You’d make a decent stripper.
Peter: I’d make an AMAZING stripper but that’s not what I’m talking about…

—

Genji: This duel is lame, none of those dumb kids are getting hurt.
Shinobu: Dumb kids? *turns around and sees Tanjiro and Kanao* Wait, those are my dumb kids!

—

Cheng: Tie your shoes Lian, we’re leaving.
Lian: I don’t have shoe laces tho.
Cheng: Are those… crocs?
Lian: Material gworl

—

Clémentine: Can you guys at least try to see things from my perspective?
Lavinia: *crouches down*
Aaron: *kneels*
Clémentine: Honestly, fuck you.

—

Lélio: Hey, do you think I could fit fifteen marshmallows in my mouth?
Finnegan: You’re a hazard to society.
Bill: And a coward, do twenty!

—

Carmin: We can’t kill him!
Aaron: Not with that attitude, we can’t.

—

Taynara: I hope you have a good explanation for this.
Baset: Actually, we have three.
Kokichi: Pick your favorite!

—

Anya: Is that a harmonica?
Ying, clearly holding an otamatone: Yes.

—

Dimitri: That’s it, you’re all grounded. Finnegan, no coffee for you. Harry no Quidditch for you. No parties for you Gen. Tom, you don’t… Is there anything you love?
Tom: Revenge.
Dimitri: No vengeance for you.
Tom: I was gonna say “I’ll get you for this” but I guess that’s off the table.

—

Belphegor: Honestly, I’m just so badass. So full of darkness. I feed off the souls of the living. I strike fear into-
Lucifer: You sleep with a stuffed cow.
Belphegor: She is my second in command in my army of darkness!

—

Gen: Why would you give a knife to a child???
Peter: Anya felt unsafe!
Gen: Now I feel unsafe!
Peter: I’m sorry… Do you want a knife?

—

Chandara: Did you eat all of the brownies upstairs?
Keyne: Yeah, they were amazing!
Chandara: It’ll kick in soon.
Keyne: Haha what will?
Keyne: What will kick in??
Keyne: CHANDARA????

—

Arthur: Help me with this crossword. I need a five letter word for ‘disappointment”.
Keith: Kenny.
Arthur: …. It fits.

—

Ying: What’s your biggest fear?
Ming: Being forgotten.
Ying: Damn that’s deep… Mine is the Kool-Aid Man.

—

Mammon: If Belphie and I were drowning, who would you save?
Lucifer: You morons can’t even swim?
Belphegor: It’s a hypothetical question, who would you save?
Lucifer: My time and effort.

—

Zhongli: Why is there a pentagram on the floor?
Allister: You told me to satanise the house.
Zhongli: I said SANITIZE the house!
Allister: … Oh.

—

Yumeko: Why is Nagito carrying around a potted plant?
Hajime: He said too many stupid things about hope today so I'm making him carry that to make up for all the oxygen he wasted.

—

Zenitsu: If you put a slice of turkey on a CD player and press play, will it play the turkey’s whole life story?
Kyojuro: None of the parenting books I've read could have prepared me for this question.

—

Lélio: I’m kind of crushing on someone, but I’m worried about telling you who it is, because you’re not going to like it…
Taynara: Just rip the bandage off!
Lélio: It’s Finn..
Taynara: Put the bandage back on.